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Category Archives: Funny

Joy To The Girl

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From time to time, a book falls at your feet and when picked up from the floor of Barnes & Noble, it quite literally drags you to the cash register…sometimes kicking and screaming.    I have often resisted this oh.so. powerful urge (mainly because I am cheap…I confess).  I beg of you…if you are inclined to resist these messages from God (or Source, Buddha, Universe, the freaking Beatles…whoever)…STOP immediately!!  Buy the book!

This “situation” which I will describe in more literal detail in my PS, happened to me last week at Barnes & Noble (or in Lori world…nirvana).  And…on a very tight budget, I heard a little voice in my head say, “Sold!”.  The book and “Barnes and Noble-men” were nice enough to offer an amazing sales price of $12.95.  I love a bargain!!

So…

I know what you are thinking…

What is the book….?

Well, wait for it….close your eyes and hear the melody of your favorite song….and…

It is called “A Course In Miracles”.  It is not credited to any author.  The copyright is listed as :

“Compilation (insert that little copyright do-hickey which I don’t know how to type)2005 by New Christian church of Full Endeavor, Ltd.

I am currently on page 126, but I couldn’t hold out on you guys…I had to share.  Every non-fiction book I read changes me, it’s true…but, this book is simply revelatory!  Sorry to be so “ethereal” and all; but, I really mean it..DAMMIT!!  As you can see, it didn’t change my trademark irreverence.

So, I am about to shut this down for today, but, I want to talk about this book more.  I am going to blog about it for the foreseeable (thanks SpellCheck…didn’t know it had the ‘e’ behind the ‘r’) future; because:

  1. I can (and you can’t stop me)
  2. It’s freaking awesome….I mean it!!
  3. Because I love YOU and you will only benefit from this beautiful text
  4. The “Holy Spirit” made me do it…

K?  So, sorry I have been away for so long.  I wrote a book called “Building Better Believers: The How-To Parenting Guide To Raising Entrepreneurs, Innovators, and Visionaries”.  I obsessed over it…to put it mildly.  I completely detest multitasking; because God granted me with a one-track mind and I finally stopped fighting it.  Enough said?

Don’t misinterpret my absence for lack of love, laughter or words (not that you would..haha)…just a temporary shift in focus of which there will be more to come in the future.  Thanks for reading…tell a friend and leave a comment, will you?

Much Love and Laughter,

Lori

(PS)  I heard about the book from another book called “Spirit Junkie” by Gabrielle Bernstein (which I highly recommend).  Also, Marianne Williamson is a Course in Miracles interpreter.  I just love the visual image of the book dragging me better…don’t you?

(PPS)  If you want to buy MY book, which will also change your life…you can do it right here.  Also, close2bliss will be moving soon to my new website which is under construction (believersvillage.com).  I’ll be sure to send you the details when the move occurs..until then…See ya!!!!

Instructional Note: To get maximum enjoyment from these posts…Read…Click Video Link…Sing Along…Dance Around the Room with Reckless Abandon…just saying…

 

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Managed Chaos

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I have a question.  How important is devout structure when rearing your children?  I’m sure the answers for this probably run the gamut; but, I expect the correct answer (at least for me) is that a loose framework is most desirable.  I mean, we do the normal structured activities like wake up around the same time each morning, have a little breakfast, dress ourselves, brush our teeth, pack our lunch and leave promptly by 8:40 to arrive at preschool no later than 9 AM.  I assure you we are on time at least 95% of the time.  I am nothing if not prompt.  Also, in harmony with the law of attraction, I always say I am always on time; therefore, I always manage to be on time even when I shouldn’t be.    Now, a caveat to that is social endeavors.  I may be a few minutes late to those and I will not apologize for that.  I simply won’t sweat it.  Back to the track…I pick up the munchkin at 1:00 PM daily.  I usually arrive at the school at about 12:50.  A little girl named Callie once asked me why I was the first parent to arrive for pickup and I simply said, “I just can’t wait to see my angel.”  That seemed to satisfy her immensely (& Laney, too).  Now, you and I both know that we Moms do enjoy our time away from our little angels but they don’t have to know that now, do they?  Okay, onward, here’s where the “loose” part begins.  Outside of Mondays when we have gymnastics at 5:10, we really have no other commitments during the week so you may find us at Chick-fil-a or Baskin Robbins or Target, perhaps.  These are definitely 3 of our favorite places to kill time,  play or get a “prize”.  We may go home and practice riding our new Barbie bike or we may sing along with some of our favorite artists who have so graciously donated their videos to You Tube.  We quite possibly could be found throwing Daddy’s boxer shorts at each other after collecting them out of the dryer.  I suppose to sum it up, we have a lot of silly little play time (not to be confused with Paul McCartney’s “Silly Little Love Songs”) every single day.  Perhaps, that is structured.  Break to Webster’s…one definition is “a complex construction or entity”.  Well perhaps I should have said routine, you know something we do with regularity.  Well, in that case, we have a very pleasing routine.  I think it has the perfect mix of structure and fluidity.  You know, it’s sort of like managed chaos and I am quite comfortable living there.  You know, I don’t know if you have ever read any studies related to birth order but they often say that the oldest or first born child is Type “A” and organized, blah..blah..blah and that the baby of the family is a bit scattered if you will.  Very loveable and even delightful but not the most organized.  This rings so true for me, because I was my mother’s first born.  She had me at 18.  Additionally, I was like the baby of the family to my Grandparents and little sister to my two aunts, Gloria (16) and Priscilla (11).  Furthermore, my lovely sister, Tiffany, wasn’t born until I was 8 (Now she is Type “A” all the way..more on that another day.)  That is why I believe I just may be the perfect blend of Type “A” and holy shit!!   In addition, I am completely loveable and delightful if I do say so myself.   It’s really a blessed thing to be if you can be it ( that A/holyshit blend, that is).  Thank you God for giving me this unique placement in our oh so lovely family.

I guess the moral of my story is this, do what the hell you want.  Schedule your day your way.  Whether rigid or fluid, love your children, play with them, be silly.  Allow them all your devotion and compassion and teach them that they can have whatever it is in life that they want.  No, I don’t mean materialistically speaking, necessarily, although I certainly intend to show Laney that she is entitled to the best in that regard as well.  I remember one day we went to Target and of course we found ourselves in the toy aisle and I never go to Target without preparing to buy something!  On this day she kept pointing to things that were above the price range that I intended for this outing.  I suppose I intended to spend around $10.  So, I kept saying over and over…”No, that is too expensive.”  Then she pointed to something in the $20 dollar range. I can’t remember what it was because it was perhaps 30 prizes ago and a few hundred dollars in the past but she said something that I will never forget.  “Mommy, is that too expensive for me?”  And I’m sure that you know what happened at this point…I bought it without hesitation.  I did not pass Go…I did not collect $200.  I want Laney to never think of herself as unworthy of anything.  I am also not raising her to believe that material things are all that matters.  I seem to be struggling with the summation of my point; but I think you get the gist…don’t you?  Another thing that I will never say to her is money is hard to come by or money is the root of all evil.  We will learn about budgets and whatnots when the time comes, for sure, but I simply will not instill these lies into her little subconscious mind.  They are not true, people.  Let’s do our children a favor and not tell them that they are.  Instead, let’s teach them that an abundant life is in the cards for them.  They probably will not have the benefit of social security and pensions to rely on in their future.  Frankly, they won’t need it.  This generation will be filled with entrepreneurs and renegades that change the face of the economy and the government and the world and that is so exciting to me.  But they won’t be prepared if we don’t prepare ourselves to teach them and show them the way.  Oh well, I don’t know what else to say so I must sing…oh, and join me, will you?

 

You’d think that people would have enough of silly love songs

But I look around me and I see it isn’t so…Oh no

Some people want to fill the world with silly love songs

And what’s wrong with that?

I’d like to know…cause here I go….again

I love you….I love you…

I love you…. I love you

I can’t explain the feelings plain to me, say can’t you see?

Ah, she gave me more, she gave it all to me

Now can’t you see

And what’s wrong with that

I need to know, cause here I go again.

I love you, I love you

Love doesn’t come in a minute

Sometimes it doesn’t come at all

I only know that when I’m in it

It isn’t silly..It isn’t silly

It isn’t silly at aaaaallllllllll

I love you….I love you

 

Those, my friends, are the lovely lyrics written by Paul McCartney and his beloved late wife Linda and performed by “Wings”.  Do you know “Wings”?  You really should!!

Much love!!

Lori

PS:  Why is it that I know the lyrics to literally thousands of amazing songs and I can’t remember to put the towels in the dryer?  I suppose I’ll never know…just happy to know the lyrics………….

watch?v=AK9QVN0bpa4

 

By The Way…Which One’s Pink?

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My daughter, Laney, has had an imaginary friend since she was old enough to poop a solid “turtle” (inside joke).  No offense, I’m just being cheeky.  Her first one (imaginary friend, not “turtle”) was a mischievous but oh so endearing young man named Mr. Parker.  I think she may have created him in honor of Mr. Parker in the Dr. Seuss book entitled “The Best Nest”.  You know, he’s the man that rang the church bell and scared the feathers off Mama Bird who had just built her new nest there.  Anyway, I ramble, so, back to the track…Lisa is another favorite “friend”; and lately, it seems that Allison is her BFF.  She runs a constant dialogue with Allison.  Sometimes, I think she’s talking to me and I say, “Laney, pardon me?”  She always looks at me with that look that only a teenager can pull off (remember she’s 4) and says, “Mommy, I’m talking to Allison right now.  Could you please give me a moment.”  I know what you are thinking, she’s paraphrasing again.  Well, I’m not…she really says that shit!  Anyway, I suppose at first I worried about this imaginary friend thing.  I mean, is it because she is by and large an only child and she’s lonely?  (You know her siblings are only around every other weekend.)  Could she have some multiple personality disorder?  Is she a bubble off center?  Just kidding, she’s perfectly sane and bright.  Actually, she’s quite advanced and I’m being totally objective :)!!

Something profound happened that answered my question the other day as we were travelling the return commute from school.  I was in the front seat talking to my imaginary friend.  Her name is Laura and she is a lovely young British Girl.  Do you remember the post entitled “Gods and Wankers”?  Well, if you have not read it yet, do it next and you will get the joke, so to speak.  Laney said, “Mommy, who are you talking to?”  Aha!?!  She is a little mini-me, after all, even though she resembles me about as much as Heidi Klum does.  Yes, I talk to myself constantly.  Sometimes I am actually speaking to God out loud; but, mostly I am speaking to myself.  I remember that litmus test that people used to refer to when they said, “Talking to yourself doesn’t mean you are crazy.  Now, if you answer yourself, then you are bonkers.” (Paraphrasing again)  Well, I must admit, then, that I am bonkers.  I mean really certifiable; because, I always answer myself.  Here’s what, though, answering yourself does NOT drive you crazy!  It drives you sane!!  After all, if you cannot find the answer inside of yourself, then where exactly do you intend to find it?  Now, this is not speculation…this is a Lori/Laura endorsed fact!!  I am sure there is some scientific evidence to prove this; but, if not..take my word for it!!  I feel so strongly about this that I am coining a new proverb and it goes a little something like this….”Talking to yourself isn’t a problem; unless you forget to answer!!”

Okay, thread closed……….let’s sing ………

I chose today’s song  for two reasons, the first line (Hello, is there anybody in there…you know the internal  voice thing?) and because I love it.  It is called “Comfortably Numb” and it was written and performed by the legendary Pink Floyd who I love beyond all words…….  Hope you enjoy it!  [Hint:  They have at least 1 or 2 other songs that are quite amazing, too! :)]

Much Love!

Lori

PS  Did you know that Pink Floyd was actually founded by a man named Syd Barrett (along with Roger Waters and Richard Wright, etc).  He was a brilliant musical genius.  He was a creative visionary.  He got a little caught up in the “sex, DRUGS, and rock and roll” thing and word has it that he took way too much LSD &  just lost it.  He left the band in 1968…actually he was forced out; but at that point, he didn’t care.  (Actually one of the band mates said that one day they just didn’t swing by to pick him up for rehearsal and never did again.)  All that talent and uniqueness just gone…poof!  Now, the band lived on and achieved great success.  They were inducted into the Rock and Roll hall of fame in 1996 and rightly so.  They truly can’t be grouped in with any other band.  They are that unique; but, my point is this……don’t let anything mask your creative power.  Whether it be drugs, alcohol, insecurity, fear, limiting thoughts or whatever….just shine on you crazy diamond!!  ( Also a  Pink Floyd song that was a tribute to Syd).  Oh, and one last thing, in the Pink Floyd song entitled “Have a Cigar”, there was a lyric that said, “Oh by the way, which one’s Pink?”  The song was written about being discovered by a record label.  Find it and listen to it, it is great!  But, back to the track, Syd Barrett WAS considered to be Pink (albeit, figuratively) in the early days.  He was their leader.  Sadly, he died in 2006.  May he find more peace in death than he ever did in life!!  I know, I know, enough with the Pink Floyd trivia, Lori!!

PPS  Denis Waitley is a man who is considered the peak performance expert.  He has written many best-selling books and has worked with Olympic athletes and top business executives to coach them to greatness.  He always says, “If you go there in the mind, you will go there in the body.”  Whatever you can imagine and envision, you can be.  I tell myself that every day!!

watch?v=tkJNyQfAprY

Punga-what?

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Check out this conversation that occurred between Ed and Laney on Sunday.  It went a little something like this….

Laney:  Daddy, do you want to pungalate my popsicle?

Ed:  (quizzical look) Laney, did you say pungalate?   How do you spell that?

Laney:  (without hesitation but very sarcastically & phonetically)  PUN.GA.LATE

Me:  Laney, what does pungalate mean?

Laney:  When you put something in your mouth and pull something out of it……

The voice in my head:  Oh shit, now he (Ed) has a “new” word for it…….Stop it, Lori, get your mind out of the gutter!!

Then I stopped for a moment and thought about something.  Evidence keeps pointing to the fact that my four (almost five) year old is actually more intelligent than I am; so I immediately consulted with my friend, Webster.   Well, apparently Laney is more intelligent than him as well; because, he’s never heard of it either.  I wanted to go a step further so I consulted with my other friend, Google.  Holy crap, did that take me on a futile journey or what!!  It led me to some Italian websites that had the word “pungalate” in the body of the articles but after several failed attempts to get a translation from Italian to English I gave up.  Needless to say, it proves my point, Laney is smarter than all three of us (me, Webster, & Google)!  You know, it’s really a divine honor to be raising such an advanced child.  How long do you think it will be before she realizes that her mother is a complete idiot?  Do you think she already knows and is just humoring me?  Or do you think she is sandbagging for the teenage years?  (Ouch, that sent a painful chill down my spine!)

Okay, panic attack over……..Just spent the last 5 minutes saying a “new” affirmation.  I am as smart as my four year old.  I am as smart as  my four year old.  I am as smart as my four year old. Okay, if I do that for a couple of minutes everyday for the next 8 1/2 years (teenager time) I will be as smart as my four year old and SHE will be 13 :)!!  No fear, I know the law of attraction; so I will just act as if…..

Much love!!

Lori

PS  For the ladies reading this, please do not take offense to my assumption that Webster and Google are men.  It’s just that I am a mother and no loving mother would name their daughter Webster or Google!!  That’s all!!  Besides, if you even thought about that; get a grip on yourself!!

PPS  No relevant song pops into my mind today so this one is for Laney.  It’s Elton John, my fave, of course………..It’s called “Your Song”……Lyrics written by Bernie Taupin.  Sing with me, won’t you?

watch?v=mTa8U0Wa0q8

She’s A Maniac!

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A funny thing happened to me yesterday…not exactly Ha Ha funny; just funny in a completely frustrating and aggravating kind of way.  You be the judge, will you?  My gorgeous, intelligent, patient, sexy, kind, but somewhat scatter-brained husband left with my keys…AGAIN!!  I know what you are thinking; and, no, smart ass, I do not have an extra set in a secret drawer somewhere.  I realized at 8:32 AM.  I leave the house promptly at 8:40 AM to get Laney to school by 9:00 AM.  (Yes, my only OCD trait is manic desire to be prompt for all “official” events)  Luckily, I have a dear, sweet & completely together neighbor named Jen who happily agreed to pick up the angel and deliver her safely to school.  Her dear sweet Zack goes to the same school.  She also offered to run and pick up the keys from Ed which I thought was one of the sweetest offers I have ever had.  We have a very “scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours” kind of relationship.  We also love to share a glass (or bottle) of wine together as often as possible.  (Thanks Jen!!)

Now, to compound the seething rage of my alter ego, Laura, (the Brit…see post entitled “Gods and Wankers”) he asked the question, “Well, have you seen my keys laying around?”  It is no secret to my circle (i.e. Mom, sister & close friends) that this is a question I hear with a painful amount of regularity.  Some of the other frequent questions he asks are as follows:

  • Have you seen my wallet?
  • Where’s my cell phone?
  • Hey, seen the remote?

Nothing, and I do mean nothing, can get my panties in a wad quicker.  Whenever prompted by one of these aforementioned questions, the voices in my head always respond (silently, of course), ” I don’t know, perhaps they are wedged up your own ass!  They probably played follow the leader with your head.  Bend over…..”  Laura is very cheeky as you can see.

Ed assured me that he would bring my keys back in plenty of time for me to get gas AND be back at the school no later than 1:00 for pickup.  This was of extreme importance to me because I bribed her Wednesday and I felt I had to deliver.  Bribe specifics:  Participate in gymnastics “make-up” class with different coach (change is a four letter word to Laney) in exchange for after school trip to Chic-fil-A, aka Laney’s favorite place on earth.  At about 12:10 PM I started leaving death threats on Ed’s cell phone via voicemail and text message.  I called his business partner, was rude to him, issued another death threat to be delivered in person, and hung up in his face.  Subsequently, I called Jen back and spewed many obscene comments her way in a “Exorcist/Linda Blair” kind of growl.  He showed up with the keys at 12:32….right on time but no time to spare.  He planned it that way so I had no time to rant further in person.  Surprisingly enough, I made it to the school 3 minutes early!

I suppose at this point you are wondering… How is she going to spin this to connect with the “Law of Attraction” thing that she keeps harping on?  Well, here’s what, I complain far too much about my husband losing things, taking my keys by mistake, leaving his ties in the den, etc…and surprisingly enough….he keeps doing it!  Do you see how that works?  I focus my energy on it…it happens!!    It’s kind of like that story about Thomas Edison.  As long as the teachers kept telling him he was dumb and had no capacity to learn, he struggled in school.  Conversely, when his own mother started telling him he was brilliant and destined for great things….he started to achieve great things .  He died with over 1000 patents  to his credit in the US alone.  And that light bulb thing…brilliant!!

Second moral of the story is “I believe in forgiveness!”  Now, my husband just made a minor “subconscious” infraction and there is really no apology necessary for that.  But me, myself and Laura, we acted like complete raving maniacs!!  Sure, most of my embarrassing tirade was unwitnessed; except for two of my favorite people that is….God and uh…well, me :(!  Okay, so here goes my apology, “God…please forgive your funny, charming, patient (for the most part) and loving friend/creation!  The devil made me do it!!  ;D”

In that vein, please enjoy Don Henley’s “Heart of the Matter”.  It just makes perfect sense!!

Much love!!

Lori

PS  If you are holding onto something (big or small) that you are not proud of, let it go!  Forgive yourself right now!!  As my husband often says, “Isn’t that bag of rocks you carry around heavy?”  See, that’s why I love him because wisdom outweighs scatterbrained-ness!

PPS Oh, and Ed from now on my keys will be wedged way up my own ass (ouch) for safe keeping…PROBLEM SOLVED!  Am I a great “lemonade” maker or what?

watch?v=V6VtI1i89yk

 

Idol Worship

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It’s so lovely being tone deaf!  I can watch American Idol and not even realize when they have missed a note.  I don’t really hear the pitchiness, at all.  Just noticed that spell check says that pitchiness is not even a real word.  Wonder if Jennifer, Randy, and Steven know that?  Oh well, I, being an inventor of words myself; I simply couldn’t care less!!  After all, EVOO, was not a word until Rachel Ray made it one.  (If you don’t know Rachel, well, then God help you!)  Okay, I have just placed that on the to-do list; petition Webster to add “pitchiness” to new edition.  Perhaps some of you, my “loyal dozen” readers (lol) will sign the petition when prepared.  I think I’ll make the wording really short and to the point.  What about this:  “Webster, please add pitchiness to your newest addition.  American Idol simply couldn’t be wrong about this.  Oh, and the definition is just “the act of being pitchy when singing”.”  Okay, now I’m really confused; spell check says that pitchy IS a word.  I’m officially perplexed.  Isn’t it some kind of rule that you can add ‘-iness’ to any adjective to denote the act of said adjective?  All this English is making me dizzy!!  Okay, I ramble again, back to the AI track.  In all my years (about 7) of watching Idol, I have made my personal choice based on a couple of variables.  First is genre.  You know I love rock and roll and if there is a rocker amongst the contestants, I will almost certainly pick him/her.  Secondly, “goose bump factor”, I love anyone who can reach in and grab my heart and just twist it around their little finger.  The third and final thing that I base my voting decision on is “original naturability” (see I like to invent words).  I love to see and hear someone that sounds different from anyone else and who makes it look effortless.  The teachers of the law of attraction all say that living your passion (when you find it) will feel so easy even though you may be working your ass off; so that is probably why that matters to me.

Okay, now let’s get down to brass tacks, here and talk some specifics.  I first want to say that all these kids have already won.  They are barely potty trained at this point and:   (A) they know what they want to do with their lives  (B)  they are exposed to millions and millions of viewers and  (C) they are being mentored by the great Jimmy Iovine and the greatest producers in the music industry.  Jimmy has worked with people you may have heard of.  They are John Lennon, Bruce Springsteen, Stevie Nicks(I think they were actually lovers, too), U2, Mary J. Blige, Eminem, 50 Cent, Lady Gaga and countless others.  He founded Interscope Records.  Let’s just say, he’s a big time hit maker!!  Working with him WILL put them many steps ahead of the curve.  But, there can only be one winner.  Now, I always take a guess in the beginning of the season about who I think “America” will choose.  My answer there is Pia Toscana.  Having said that, I am not usually right with my predictions.  She is the total package, though; and we will see a lot of her in the decades to come.  She is strikingly beautiful and she can deliver a ballad that will bring tears to your eyes.  The judges are very impressed with her consistency.  I would like to see her sing something besides a ballad in the future; but, she might think “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it”.  I definitely understand that.  My favorite is of course James Durbin.  He is a rocker through and through.  He sang Bon Jovi ” I’ll be there for you” last night.  He did a great job; although, I  wish  he had chosen a Guns ‘N’ Roses or Aerosmith song…that’s just me.  He has a quality about his voice that reminds me of Axl Rose (lead singer of GNR).  I have to also give great props to Casey and Paul because they are those singers whose voices you will recognize when you hear them on the radio.  They get my “original naturability” award.  Yes, it is a tie; because, I love them both!!  Now, (drum roll, please) the “Goose Bump Award” goes to Jacob Lusk.  He sang “Alone” by Heart.  I never expected him to choose a rock and roll song.  He is such a gospel inspired guy; but, when he delivered that last line,  “‘Til now, I always got by on my own”; it literally “chilled me to the bone” (in case you don’t get it, that’s another line in that song).  His voice is so powerful but he delivered that line with such control, it was haunting!!  I think the Wilson sisters (Heart) are very happy today at how well their song was covered.  Lastly, congrats to all the contestants, they really did great because they DID it!!  All the critics can say what they will; but, it would be a cold day in hell before they would actually get up and sing in front of millions of people.

Well, its over and out then….check this out.  This is Jacob performing “I believe I can Fly”.  This song was written, produced and performed by R&B great, R. Kelly.  Do me a favor, close your eyes and listen to the lyrics; because, if the Law of Attraction had a theme song…this would be it! (Oh, you have to click through to see the video on You Tube..their rule.)

Much Love!!

Lori

PS  I believe I can fly…do you?

watch?v=rfULFvzD3Pg

 

 

 

Help Wanted

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As the CEO of Hamilton, Inc., I fear I must make a tough decision soon.  Yes, that’s right, I fear that I will soon have to fire my own housekeeper.  I mean, I love her.  She is funny, sweet, charming, and quite a good cleaner…when she actually does it, that is.  She is pleasant and she really loves me, too.  She is like my shadow.  I can’t even go to the bathroom without her on my heels.  And, when I look in the mirror, there she is!  Conversely, she is messy.  She is inconsistent.  She is distracted…she is a fledgling writer as well.  Furthermore, I feel like she is not passionate enough about the job to really do it well…all the time!  Now, when we have guests coming or the doorbell happens to ring or something of that sort, she kicks it in to high gear.  She’s very fast.  She can move around this place like a wildfire when she simply has no other choice.  She even had the audacity to tell me the other day to put all my friends and neighbors on notice and let them know that we need at least 1 hour, but preferably 24 hours notice if they intend to show up for a visit.  Now, doesn’t that kill the spontaneity of a drop by?  The nerve of that woman….

You know what my biggest fear is?  Here’s what…I am afraid that when I break the news to her she will not cry.  She won’t beg me to let her stay on in this capacity.  Perhaps, she will go ahead and send out the invitations to the celebration that she has in mind for this very occasion.  Well, I have to put my pride away, soon, and just do it.  Let reckless abandon take me over.  Oh, and I will be direct, I promise.  I believe in cutting to the chase.  I mean no hurt or disrespect; but, in business you just shouldn’t pussyfoot around.  At least, that has been my experience.  I will try to use as much diplomacy as I can muster.  I will assure her that I want to remain friends.  Hell, she can continue living here under this roof forever, if she wants to.  I don’t mind!  I’ve grown quite attached to her at this point.  She just needs to find her own bliss, you know?  That’s all.  No harm, no foul.  I’ll even let her help me interview her replacement.  On second thought, that will be her last task under my employ, to hire a new housekeeper.

I think the ad that she should place for her successor should go a little like this:  “Please apply as I really want to get the hell out of here.  It is a lovely place to work but I hate cleaning!  Now, don’t even consider applying if you have not been diagnosed with OCD.  Now, I don’t want you to be under medication for the OCD.  I have a different therapy in mind….you can release all the obsessive and compulsive urges right here on my wood floors and my toilets and my oven and all my dusty surfaces.  You need not be as funny as Ellen Degeneres; but, that would put you on the “short” list of ideal candidates.  You will have to want to be a part of a very amusing and wonderful family.  You must love children; especially, the blond haired, blue eyed, angelic female variety.  It wouldn’t hurt if you knew how to boil water so that you may cook up a hot dog or something from time to time.  If you happen to be a gourmet or soul food chef (albeit an amateur), then all the better.  Now, if you can see yourself in this description…if you are this person, please apply immediately!  We desperately want you!!  PS  The paid position is soon to come; but, if you are interested in an unpaid internship for the next 90 days, please go ahead and apply.  We could probably arrange something……”

What do you think?  Oh well, it’s time for me to sing……………..

“Help!  I need somebody

Help!  Not just anybody

Help, you know I need someone, help.

When I was younger, so much younger than today

I never needed anybody’s help in any way

But now these days are gone, and I’m not so self assured

Now I find, I’ve changed my mind and opened up the doors

Help me if you can I’m feeling down and I do appreciate you being round

Help me get my feet up off the ground

Won’t you please, please help me

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways

My independence seems to vanish in the haze

But every now and then I feel so insecure

I know that I just need you like I’ve never done before

Repeat chorus………….”

I know it goes without saying; but, that, my friends, is “Help” by The Beatles.  Can we please give thanks for John (Rest in Peace), Paul, George (Rest in Peace) and Ringo?  The musical world would not be as lovely had they not been a part of it!

Much love!!

Lori

PS  How about when you look in the mirror today, don’t focus on the features that you want surgically replaced, removed, enlarged or reduced and see what is truly looking back at you….your beautiful (inside and out) self!

PPS  Joe Vitale said that your greatest passion can be found hiding underneath the thing that you are most afraid of.  I think he’s right!