My husband says I dwell on things too much. He is right..I do; but, only on the things that are closest to my heart. Last week on September 9th, I celebrated Brandice’s birthday. I am sure all of heaven celebrated with her. I spent the last 2 weeks of her life with her..all day every day. I deluded myself into believing that if I forced more vitamins and medication on her that a miracle would happen. And it did…she was blessed with a pain free and peaceful passing surrounded by all the people who loved her.
The other day I was sitting out on my deck and it was a beautiful breezy morning. The most interesting thing happened…a hummingbird came within about 12 inches from my face. He stared at me and flapped his wings treading air for about 45 seconds and then he flew away, seemingly effortless. Call me crazy, but that touched me so deeply. It was as if he was saying, “It’s okay!” And in that moment, I knew it was.
Then, I started thinking about those last days with Brandice and what a gift that was. You know, she knew for a while ( I think) that the end was near. But, in her loving and generous way, she knew that we needed to fight. She knew we needed to remain hopeful so she kept up the façade…for us. All that vile tasting crap that I made her ingest, she never complained. She lovingly let me hold on to her for a little longer…long enough to realize that I never had to let go. Have you ever received such a beautiful gift? Here’s hoping that your answer is yes!
One last thing, I want to share an experience that I think many of us had with Brandice in her last days. She always loved for me to tickle her back and arms and head. One day I was scratching her head and she grabbed my hand and she interlaced her beautiful graceful fingers (She has the prettiest hands.) in mine and squeezed really hard. We sat there hand in hand for several minutes. Two brown eyed girls looking at each other and talking without words… telling each other how much we loved each other and how much our relationship meant. I will always treasure that moment. I can still feel her fragile little hand in mine and I will hold on to that feeling for the rest of my life.
Thank you all for indulging me on this…it is so cathartic for me to write about this experience. As much as I wanted her to live and as much as I still want her back; I treasure those last days so much. What classic novel was it that started with, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of time…” (Was it “The Grapes of Wrath”?) Anyway, it doesn’t matter but it really sums it up.
PS: It’s okay to dwell on the meaningful things in your life. Just make sure that out of every cloud you come across you find that silver lining..no matter what!! I guess if I have one specialty it is that…finding silver linings. I am so thankful for that gift!
If I Die Young…The Band Perry