(British accent engaged)
You know, I am technologically challenged. It is true…I won’t deny it. I am not a complete dunce but I am not far from it. You know over the course of the last few months I have taken a world of photographs…some good…some a little fuzzy. I have recorded about 4 short films…or long…about 20 minutes…don’t know how that would be classified. The videos reside on the hard drive of my lovely little camcorder. It’s a JVC and a gift from my mother…thank you Mom! But to you, you little stubborn video recording piece of shit….stop holding my video hostage!! I have read your manual. You really should rewrite that for people that do not have a Ph.D. in downloading or uploading or whatever the hell kind of loading it takes to get the video off of you and onto my (or their) computer. Because, there are people in the world who really want to see this video. There is a vacant You Tube account with my name on it (close2bliss) that is very lonely. And, I have perhaps 2 or 3 dozen loyal fans who are chomping at the bit to laugh at me making a complete ass out of myself. You simply must stop this little game you are playing. You know you have me at your mercy because I forgot to put the little memory card thingy in; and you know I can’t throw you against a tree and smash you to smithereens because you have my most cherished memories locked away in there. What have I done to deserve this cruelty? I know you feel as if I have screwed you and you are right; but I thought you liked that tripod thingy. I mean the two of you fit together perfectly. And I know I have subjected you to my British accent; but it is nice, isn’t it? You know how much I love you; because, I have involved you in some of the most memorable moments of my life. Is all of that really worthy of this kind of punishment? I will say, that I would never treat you this way. So, I am going to take a deep breath here; and then I am coming to confront you AGAIN. Furthermore, I have to tell you that I am a force to be reckoned with. You may have won a number of battles at this point; but you WILL NOT win the war!! That is a promise! Better yet, can we just call a truce? I promise next time to insert the little card so that I don’t fill up your precious hard drive. I promise to clean up my language a bit….or not. I pledge to you the first rights to all my future notable moments. I will always keep you fully charged and protected in that brilliant leather case you love. So, can we work it out?
Now, to you, my loyal readers, don’t worry, it is coming. I promise. My sphincter is so tight at the sheer anxiety of what I am going to do when I get that little freaking camcorder to relinquish this footage. Yes, I am terrified to post it. I will certainly vomit numerous times before hitting publish. If need be, I will drink profusely and submit it in the wee morning hours so that I can at least have the peace of mind to know that I can delete it before you wake. I will most definitely have a sleepless night unless the alcohol renders me passed out of course. Do you think that my fear of distributing this video has manifested itself into my total inability to perform such a simple act? Oh my!! It has.
Okay, so here is my plan. I am a full believer in promising first then frenetically figuring out how to deliver. I’m not faking it until I make it. I’m simply lighting a fire under my own ass. It has always worked for me in the past; and I suspect it will work this time as well. So, pull up your outlook calendars or your crackberry schedulers or your iPod whatevers and mark down this date …..Friday, April 15th. Now, that date won’t just be the tax deadline it will be the day that you received the proof that I am completely certifiable. And, it will be the day that my sphincter can finally relax…..hallelujah!!
PS Everyone of the glorious virtual mentors I have are telling me to subject myself to great fear!! I know they are right!! Besides, what is the worst that could happen….are padded cells really that bad?
PPS I will give you one hint…Ellen DeGeneres
Now, because it popped into my head as a message from the universe I have chosen a glorious song by “The Beatles” called “We Can Work It Out”…enjoy!