Gods and Wankers
You know the whole point to this blog is to serve as sort of free therapy if you will. A catharsis of sorts so that I can thrash out the remaining resistance that is standing so stubbornly in my way of achieving bliss. And often times, in the light of day, I watch, listen or do something that I find terribly funny. And after the raucous and hysterical laughter, I feel better. You should know that anytime I discuss comedy or tell a funny story or think of something hilarious I do so in my best British accent. Yes, it is true; I do a lovely British accent…at least in my own mind. Often, when I launch into the accent which also takes my voice up about 2 octaves, my daughter looks at me so quizzically and says,” Mommy, please don’t talk like that.” I know she doesn’t mean it. She secretly loves the visits from her long lost British Mother, or Mummy I should say.
Years ago, I went on holiday to Ireland and England with two lovely friends, Ruth and Sharon. Both nice Irish Catholic girls…I am reformed Baptist turned God loving, multi denominational diva. As soon as my foot hit the ground , no I take that back, as soon as I boarded the plane in Atlanta Georgia, I spoke in British. The ENTIRE trip I spoke in British…including all of my conversations with the Irish; and yes, the British. (Did I mention that the first sentence uttered to me by some young punk rocker on the streets of London was, “You wanker!”) They must have thought me daft. And ever since then, I have moved freely and effortlessly between my Georgia accent, ya’ll, to my beloved British accent. I know you don’t believe me when I tell you this, but it is completely out of my control. Do you think I may be possessed by a young British girl? That my body was inhabited by one trapped here on US soil all those years ago trying desperately to hitch a ride back to the mother land? And after inhabiting me for the better part of two weeks she simply loved me too much to leave? Hmmm…..this theory literally just popped into my head; just like that. I was wondering how this blog post would be amusing and wander around to having relevance with the Law of Attraction and now I know. I wanted to sit down and just write as my British self and have it be funny if only to me; and BOOM…the answer came to me. It is nothing short of miraculous, really. Hope you see it too.
I seem to have gotten a little off track (still in British accent) kind of like how I felt when I actually drove in Ireland. You see I was not familiar with the “roundabouts”. (Now I actually have one in my own neighborhood…guess that makes me ahead of the curve) My whole point to all this madness was the shocking difference between our lodging experience in Dublin versus London. They are both wonderful cities; do not get me wrong, but here’s what. In Dublin, we stayed at the loveliest hotel called “The Clarence”. It is in the heart of the city on the River Liffey. It is a stone’s throw from the Temple Bar district which for those of you who don’t know is quite possibly the “best time on earth”. I don’t know if the only people who stay at this hotel are women and gay men; but all of the employees were the most exquisitely handsome young men. Men so eager to please their guests that I think they would have stopped at nothing to do so. French fries at 2:00 a.m…no problem. Return your rental car…no problem. Stand on my head while I sing Ave Maria in perfect pitch…no problem. I think you get the idea. I have literally never been served so well. I know what you’re thinking and get your mind out of the gutter. I had no carnal experiences with any of these gorgeous men although I must say the thought did cross my mind. Let’s put it this way, I’ve dated a lot worse in my day. Another thing I failed to mention in this rambling is this…the freaking hotel is owned by Bono and U2; and yes I do mean the band. They bought it and created the hotel in the image of a place they would enjoy staying themselves. It is FABULOUS!! If you go to Dublin you simply must stay there (especially if you are female or gay male)!!
Now, on to the London experience….I simply shant name the hotel; or hostel, if you will, that we stayed in. I fear my punishment for doing so might result in eternal damnation to that room in the afterlife. I will only say that it was smack dab in the middle of Piccadilly Circus; and was it ever a circus. You know, online it looked lovely. It actually looked perhaps like a 3 or 4 star hotel. It was filled to the gills with high school students from the rest of the free world at the time we were there (& we were in our thirties). Furthermore, the shower was DOWN THE HALL from the room which was decorated in one corner with the toilet, the other corner was occupied with a sink that was in desperate need of replacement and the beds were like prison cots. I shit you not! And contrary to the favored retort of our “Gods of The Clarence” which was, “No problem”; the common phrase we heard from the hotel staff in London was, “Okay, but it is going to cost you.” They even threatened to throw me out because I said the word, DAMN. If you think this is an exaggeration, you, my friend, are wrong. Aside from the meager accommodations, however, the city of London is exquisite. The Museum we went to is a place I would gladly spend eternity in. Ah, the Rembrandts and Renoirs and the Picassos and all the other great Artists works displayed there are nothing short of mesmerizing. I was literally moved to tears being so close to these amazing pieces. So, long story short, unless you fear flying for 8+ hours you simply must put both of these locations on your bucket list. You won’t be sorry!
PS: Please do not take offense at the “gay male” comment. I have absolutely no qualms with homosexuality. I can’t imagine anyone would have a problem with it and if you do, I say, “Grow Up!”. I love gay men, gay women, heterosexual men and women. I literally love you all! In fact, I am in desperate search of a “gay husband” to play with from time to time. I need a stylist and I can’t afford one and in my experience, the homosexual men have the best taste. I also find them to be fantastically funny. If you are a gay man in Columbus, Georgia or you know one looking for a “hag”; please comment on this post so that I may interview you or your friend, whatever the case may be, and see if perhaps we can be bffs. You should be so lucky ;)!!