A funny thing happened to me yesterday…not exactly Ha Ha funny; just funny in a completely frustrating and aggravating kind of way. You be the judge, will you? My gorgeous, intelligent, patient, sexy, kind, but somewhat scatter-brained husband left with my keys…AGAIN!! I know what you are thinking; and, no, smart ass, I do not have an extra set in a secret drawer somewhere. I realized at 8:32 AM. I leave the house promptly at 8:40 AM to get Laney to school by 9:00 AM. (Yes, my only OCD trait is manic desire to be prompt for all “official” events) Luckily, I have a dear, sweet & completely together neighbor named Jen who happily agreed to pick up the angel and deliver her safely to school. Her dear sweet Zack goes to the same school. She also offered to run and pick up the keys from Ed which I thought was one of the sweetest offers I have ever had. We have a very “scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours” kind of relationship. We also love to share a glass (or bottle) of wine together as often as possible. (Thanks Jen!!)
Now, to compound the seething rage of my alter ego, Laura, (the Brit…see post entitled “Gods and Wankers”) he asked the question, “Well, have you seen my keys laying around?” It is no secret to my circle (i.e. Mom, sister & close friends) that this is a question I hear with a painful amount of regularity. Some of the other frequent questions he asks are as follows:
- Have you seen my wallet?
- Where’s my cell phone?
- Hey, seen the remote?
Nothing, and I do mean nothing, can get my panties in a wad quicker. Whenever prompted by one of these aforementioned questions, the voices in my head always respond (silently, of course), ” I don’t know, perhaps they are wedged up your own ass! They probably played follow the leader with your head. Bend over…..” Laura is very cheeky as you can see.
Ed assured me that he would bring my keys back in plenty of time for me to get gas AND be back at the school no later than 1:00 for pickup. This was of extreme importance to me because I bribed her Wednesday and I felt I had to deliver. Bribe specifics: Participate in gymnastics “make-up” class with different coach (change is a four letter word to Laney) in exchange for after school trip to Chic-fil-A, aka Laney’s favorite place on earth. At about 12:10 PM I started leaving death threats on Ed’s cell phone via voicemail and text message. I called his business partner, was rude to him, issued another death threat to be delivered in person, and hung up in his face. Subsequently, I called Jen back and spewed many obscene comments her way in a “Exorcist/Linda Blair” kind of growl. He showed up with the keys at 12:32….right on time but no time to spare. He planned it that way so I had no time to rant further in person. Surprisingly enough, I made it to the school 3 minutes early!
I suppose at this point you are wondering… How is she going to spin this to connect with the “Law of Attraction” thing that she keeps harping on? Well, here’s what, I complain far too much about my husband losing things, taking my keys by mistake, leaving his ties in the den, etc…and surprisingly enough….he keeps doing it! Do you see how that works? I focus my energy on it…it happens!! It’s kind of like that story about Thomas Edison. As long as the teachers kept telling him he was dumb and had no capacity to learn, he struggled in school. Conversely, when his own mother started telling him he was brilliant and destined for great things….he started to achieve great things . He died with over 1000 patents to his credit in the US alone. And that light bulb thing…brilliant!!
Second moral of the story is “I believe in forgiveness!” Now, my husband just made a minor “subconscious” infraction and there is really no apology necessary for that. But me, myself and Laura, we acted like complete raving maniacs!! Sure, most of my embarrassing tirade was unwitnessed; except for two of my favorite people that is….God and uh…well, me ! Okay, so here goes my apology, “God…please forgive your funny, charming, patient (for the most part) and loving friend/creation! The devil made me do it!! ;D”
In that vein, please enjoy Don Henley’s “Heart of the Matter”. It just makes perfect sense!!
PS If you are holding onto something (big or small) that you are not proud of, let it go! Forgive yourself right now!! As my husband often says, “Isn’t that bag of rocks you carry around heavy?” See, that’s why I love him because wisdom outweighs scatterbrained-ness!
PPS Oh, and Ed from now on my keys will be wedged way up my own ass (ouch) for safe keeping…PROBLEM SOLVED! Am I a great “lemonade” maker or what?